


not all that glitters is bling [FIC]

by Anonymous



Category: The Lord of the Rings (Movies), The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types, The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien, The Silmarillion and other histories of Middle-Earth - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Anger, Deliberate Badfic, Explicit Language, F/M, Feels, Gen, I'm Sorry Tolkien, Interspecies Romance, M/M, No Anger Management, Nonnies Made Me Do It, Not Beta Read, Not Suitable/Safe For Work, Serious Business, Song Lyrics, Song Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-19
Updated: 2014-09-19
Packaged: 2018-02-18 01:09:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2329724
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gandalf's career as a rapper began with this song.</p>
<p>DISCLAIMER: The original song "The Real Slim Shady" belongs to Eminem. I'm just borrowing it without permission and I'm not making any money of this!</p>
            </blockquote>





	not all that glitters is bling [FIC]

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [not all that glitters is bling [art]](https://archiveofourown.org/works/2312672) by [dante_gabriel_renesmee](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dante_gabriel_renesmee/pseuds/dante_gabriel_renesmee). 



> This is a treat, not the official fic assignment for the brilliant art [not all that glitters is bling](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2312672) (which I haven't seen yet).

  
**The Real Ring-bearer**

_[Gandalf]_  
May I have your attention please?  
May I have your attention please?  
Will the real ring-bearer please stand up?  
I repeat, will the real ring-bearer please stand up?  
We're gonna have a problem here.

Y'all act like you never seen a wizard before  
Jaws all on the floor like Sauron and Isildur just burst in the door  
And started crossing their swords worse than before  
They first were killed, throwing their bling far away (Ah!)  
It's the return of the... "Ah, wait, no way, you're kidding,  
He didn't just say what I think he did, did he?"  
And Elessar said... nothing, you idiots!  
Elessar's gone, he's hiding in the bushes! (Ha-ha!)  
Hot elf chicks love Gandalf

_[*vocal turntable*]_

"Ring-bearer, I'm sick of him  
Look at him, walking around grabbing his you-know-what  
Flipping the you-know-who." "Yeah, but he's so cute though!"  
Yeah, I probably got a couple of screws up in my head loose  
But no worse, than what's going on in Elrond's bedrooms  
Sometimes, I wanna get on the horse and just let loose, but can't  
But it's cool for Lúthien to hump a mortal dude  
"My ring is on your lips, my ring is on your lips"  
And if I'm lucky, you might just give me a little hiss  
And that's the message that we deliver to little hobbits  
And expect them not to know what the elevenses are  
Of course they gonna know what the dinner time is  
By the time they hit fourth decade  
They got the fucking palantíri, don't they?  
"We ain't nothing but hobbits..." Well, some of us wizards  
Who cut other people open like cantaloupes  
But if we can hump hobbits and mortal dudes  
Then there's no reason that an elf and a dwarf can't elope  
But if you feel like I feel, I got the antidote  
Arwen wave your pantyhose, sing the chorus and it goes

_[Chorus – Gandalf (repeat 2x):]_  
'Cause I'm ring-bearer, yes I'm the real ring-bearer  
All you other ring-bearers are just imitating  
So won't the real ring-bearer please stand up,  
Please stand up, please stand up?

_[Gandalf]_  
Radagast don't gotta haul you lot around to save the world;  
Well I do, so fuck him and fuck you too!  
You think I give a damn about Rohan?  
Half of those morons can't even stomach me, let alone stand me  
"But ring-bearer, what if you win, wouldn't it be weird?"  
Why? So you guys could just lie to get me here?  
So you can, sit me here next to Saruman the White?  
Yo shit, Gríma Wormtongue better switch me chairs  
So I can sit next to the shieldmaiden and her bro  
And hear 'em argue over who the king hates more  
Little hobbit, put himself on blast on palantír  
"Yeah, he's cute, but I think he's burned the Tree, hee-hee!"  
I should never fucking sleep  
I'll show the whole world how you gave Gandalf migraine  
I'm sick of you little hobbit and human groups, all you do is annoy me  
So I have been sent here to ~~destroy~~ save you  
And there's other two of us just like me  
Who do magic like me; who just don't give a fuck like me  
Who dress like me; walk, talk and act like me  
Radagast just might be the next best thing but not quite sane!

_[Chorus]_

_[Gandalf]_  
I'm like a head trip to listen to, cause I'm only giving you  
Things you joke about with your friends inside your hobbit-hole  
The only difference is I got the balls to say it  
In front of y'all and I don't gotta be false or sugarcoated at all  
I'll just get on the boat and leave you lot  
And whether you like to admit it I just lost it  
Did better against it than those dwarves could  
Then you wonder how can _you_ get up from the damn ground  
It's funny; 'cause at the rate it's growing when I'm gone  
I'll be the only person in Valinor with a beard  
Filching Galadriel's hair when I'm chasing those damn hobbits  
And I'm frothing but this whole bag of Old Toby isn't working  
And every single person is a ring-bearer lurking  
He could be working at the Prancing Pony, spitting in your tankard  
Or in the Mordor's sky, circling  
Screaming "I don't give a fuck!"  
With his hood down and his fell beast up  
So, will the real ring-bearer please stand up?  
And put one of those fingers on each hand up?  
And be proud to be outta your mind and in the Mount Doom  
And one more time, as sane as you can, where does it go?

_[Chorus 4X]_

_[Gandalf]_  
Ha ha  
Guess there's a ring-bearer in all of us  
Fuck it, let's all stand up 


End file.
